Got a question for Pat Califia?  !

A few months ago, my partner and I decided to commit to one another and began planning a holy union. I have never felt so happy, in love, and loved. But lately she's been extremely depressed -- we haven't made love and we've barely touched. When I confronted her, she confessed to still being in love with her first lover, although that relationship ended a few years ago. (She blames herself for the breakup, as she cheated on this woman.) My lover claims that, although she loves me, she'll never get over her ex. I'm not about to give up on our relationship; I don't think we ever get over our "first." But can we get through this? Will she eventually move on? -- Second Best

You're in a difficult situation. It's certainly possible to love two people at the same time, but this is not an easy fact to assimilate if you have a monogamous relationship. I'm assuming that you and your partner have agreed to be faithful to one another, but given her current ambivalence and history of cheating, your girlfriend seems like a poor candidate for a sexually exclusive relationship. If she really wants you to believe that she still loves you, you need some concrete proof. If she had not withdrawn from you and become depressed because she was thinking of someone else, you would not be feeling so bad. She must treat you better if she wants to save your relationship! It's her responsibility either to get closure on this old flame or leave. My hunch is that she's lost in fantasyland and needs to realize that her dreams about her first love are unrealistic. Meanwhile, there's little you can do except wait this out. You can't compete with a rose-tinted vision of what might have been, but you can gently point out that you need some positive reinforcement for being loyal and patient. I suggest you postpone your ceremony until the atmosphere in your home improves -- you need to know you are not "second best" before making a formal, public declaration of commitment.

I'm a married woman with grown children, and I'm very confused. I have long been interested in women, but I've been with one man my entire life. I don't know if I'm gay, but I'm curious and would like to find a female friend and lover. Where do I start? -- Mixed Up

There is no way to know if you are bisexual or lesbian without meeting other women who are so inclined and doing the Sapphic deed. This can be stressful, and doing it while leading a secret life is difficult for most people. Unless the man you're living with is an extremely understanding, secure guy who would support your exploring your feelings about other women, this is a messy situation. Even then, I warn you that most lesbians are very reluctant to get involved with a woman who already has a male partner. A few bold dykes have a fetish for initiating (formerly) straight girls, but most don't want the melodrama of competing with a man.

You might start by getting a copy of Women's Traveller from the Damron Company (1-) and finding out what the social options are for lesbians in your area. If you want to avoid detection, you can rent a post office box and pay for the book with a money order. If you have access to e-mail, most online computer services have gay sections where you can do some exploring. Be sure to delete e-mail you don't want anybody else to read. (See what a tangled web you must weave?)

Your need has to be pretty strong if it can cut through all the shame and homophobia -- but need alone is not enough to make a girl come out. You have to be lucky, strong, and brave as well. The possibility of women loving women is so heavily cenosred in our culture that I believe most women who have considered lesbian sex and romance would probably enjoy these activities if they could simply find them. Listen to your own heart (and other parts). Here's hoping you can figure this out without suffering too much from the ignorance or jealousy of others (gay or straight). And here's hoping there's a large enough lesbian community in your area for you to track down as well as some kind souls who will support your quest. Write again if you need to.

Pat Califia is the author of numerous titles on lesbian sexuality, including Sapphistry and Coming to Power. Her latest publication is Bitch Goddess (Greenery Press), a collection of writings on the spirituality of the dominant woman. . E-mail Pat Califia at .